The Middle Way of Leading

In a dance studio during one of my first private Salsa lessons about a year ago I was leading my teacher Candice in a dance. At the end of the song, she critiqued that I needed to be more direct with what I wanted her to do in order for her to follow. We danced again until I finally stopped to say, "I feel like I'm bullying you."

She told me it was not bullying but leading.

I was dancing with directness and decisiveness and while it felt unfamiliar at the time, I now see those qualities as necessary for leading.

It felt unfamiliar because I am a Nice Guy. This isn't me bragging, it's a confession. Perhaps I should say I'm a recovering Nice Guy. What I'm recovering from is my tendency to approach dancing, and as it turns out dating, not with directness and decisiveness but with caution bordering on timidity. This doesn't come from shyness but from the desire to come across as nonthreatening and respectful. An overcompensation from the fear of being seen as aggressive or controlling.

This is well intentioned but I've come to see how misguided and ultimately detrimental it is.

It focuses on what I don't want my partner to feel rather than what I do want her to feel. It's the difference between someone feeling the absence of fear from me and feeling the presence of safety with me.

Much of my life I have focused on the former successfully conveying, "I am of no danger to you." Now I want to communicate the latter, "I've got you. It is safe for you to trust and relax with me."

I want this on and off the dance floor.

My original orientation towards being a Nice Guy was not a preference for being a Nice Guy but an aversion to being the opposite; domineering, aggressive, controlling, and insensitive. Will I now need to embrace those qualities?

The Buddha's "Middle Way" and Aristotle's "Golden Mean" address this question. Both concepts advocate that the desirable middle sits between two extremes (one of excess and the other of deficiency).

Three unrelated examples to illustrate:

• The virtue of courage sits between the extreme of cowardice (deficiency) and the extreme of recklessness (excess).
• A smoke detector can only be trusted to fulfill its purpose when it is appropriately situated between being too sensitive and too insensitive. Too sensitive and the alarm goes off every time you light a candle. Too insensitive and your home is ablaze by the time the alarm goes off.
• A stringed instrument is playable only when its strings are appropriately taut. Too loose and the instrument is not playable, too tight and the strings will break.

Just like an instrument whose strings are too loose to fulfill its purpose, learning to lead Salsa has shown me that I am in need of some tuning with how I show up as a man on the dance floor. And as with dance, so too with life.

I find great relief in knowing that the gap I am working to close is between where I am currently and the middle way instead of the opposite extreme. But this leaves me wondering what it looks and feels like to show up in such a way that says, "With me you are in trustworthy, solid, and capable hands," without passing some line at which point confidence becomes conceit, directness becomes bluntness, and self-assuredness becomes arrogance.

Learning to lead on the dance floor has not only helped me identify the problem but is giving me a feel for the way forward (as well as presenting opportunities to practice).

Recently in a Salsa class, my teacher, Marcus, chose to demonstrate using me as his follow.

My experience being led by him was not that of being bullied or controlled (even though he was direct and unapologetic) nor was it of being timidly handled as if I were delicate (even though he was sensitive and accommodating).

This is the middle way of leading that I'm interested in operating from.

In between the extremes of timid hesitation and controlling arrogance seems to sit assertiveness.

At some point I had written off assertiveness mistaking it for aggression, controlling, or some other flavor of overstepping.

Now I see being assertive as a worthy middle way to aim for.